Title: wonder what you're dreaming
Summary: He couldn't believe he'd allowed himself to do that.When he’d gone over to her house that afternoon he’d only had the intention to curl up on the couch and listen to her starry eyed dreams that always made him smile but nowhere in there had he intended to take Rachel Berry’s virginity
Spoilers: None. This is all my crazy brain! :D
Word Count: 1,600
i’ve been this way with so many before
but, this feels like the first time…
He couldn’t believe allowed himself to do that.
As he rolled off from her, collapsing against her bed, his mind was reeling. He tumbled onto the mattress, his chest heaving, staring up at the ceiling. He could hear her shallow, gasping breaths beside him, and he reached out, their fingers tangling.
When he’d gone over to her house that afternoon he’d only had the intention to watch a movie with her, curl up on the couch and listen to her starry eyed dreams that always made him smile. He’d had a plan to have dinner with her, and spend the night in one another’s arms but nowhere had he intended to take Rachel Berry’s virginity.
When he first set out on this mission - one Ms Corcoran had posed to him - he had set some boundaries. He would date her and use the information he gained against her, but he wouldn’t go all the way. He wasn’t a total douche – and he was a decent enough person to know there were some things you simply didn’t do.
What he hadn’t guaranteed on was actually liking the girl. He thought this would be easy – just give them a competitive edge that would allow him to fulfil his perfect senior year. What he hadn’t guaranteed on was how hot she really was, and how she’d feel her lips on his neck, her hands in his hair, her body pressed against his and how much he’d want it then. What he hadn’t guaranteed on was allowing himself to get so far.
But when he was standing in her kitchen, stirring a pasta sauce as she propped herself up on the bench like a pixie, staring thoughtfully at him he hadn’t expected his heart to lurch. He hadn’t expected her to grab his hand and pull him up to her room and he hadn’t guaranteed on falling onto her bed, rolling and wrestling with tongues and fingers.
So he couldn’t help the way guilt leaked into his perfect, sated exhaustion. He hadn’t meant to go this far. He hadn’t meant to take Rachel Berry’s virginity.
And still… he had.
Rachel was silent at his side, something he knew was entirely rare around her, and he knew he should call out to her. He should hold her closer, kiss her hair, ask her how she felt but not even guilt could keep the pull of exhaustion at bay and his eyes dragged shut as he curled onto his side, slipping into the warm darkness.
He was almost entirely at the mercy of fatigue’s pull when he felt the bed creak beneath him and her warmth slide away, her finger’s untangling themselves from his.
He listened to the shower starting up, water furiously pelting the tiled floor, the sound spilling out from underneath the closed door.
He wondered what she was thinking; how she felt about what had just happen. It was a far cry from his first time, but he remembered the way it felt afterwards, the ringing shock as he tried to comprehend what had happened. He knew sex wasn’t a big deal, but this time… it felt different. He knew that this was an even bigger deal for girls than it had ever been for him or any of his friends, so he knew that her mind would be teeming crazily with fragmented thoughts.
For a fleeting moment, panic bolted across his mind, before settling into every crevice of his brain. What if she regretted it?
He knew what he’d just done meant that no matter what happened with his team, between them and when September came around, bringing him to California, he would forever be part of her history, someone she’d never forget. He wondered how she felt about the fact that it was him who would be forever ingrained in her memories. His heart rate quickened and his limbs felt leaden as he considered the possibility that she was crying in that shower, regretting that she had thrown an important decision on him.
But before long, exhaustion was pulling at his eyelids again and he was forced to succumb to it. He really hoped she didn’t regret it.
i want to make you laugh,
mess up my bed with me
He wasn’t aware that she was back in the room until he felt her slip between the sheets. She was entirely still, rigid on the mattress beside him for a moment and he just knew that her mind was dancing with thoughts.
He surfaced back towards consciousness, rolling toward her to lazily drape an arm over her, pulling her to nestle against his body.
‘Hey,’ he murmured softly.
His eyes flickered open and he surveyed her, wide-eyed, fresh faced and scared. All he wanted to do was hold her close, and make her feel better.
‘Hi,’ she breathed, her lips curving up into a tentative smile, her eyes searching his face as if she was seeing him for the first time all over again.
He snuggled her a little closer, inhaling deeply. She smelt… perfect, like soap, peppermint toothpaste and jasmine shampoo. She was wearing his t-shirt, and that simple fact made his stomach do funny things. Why did she have this effect on him?
‘How are you feeling?’ he probed gently.
Rachel ducked her head, an ashamed blush creeping up her cheeks, ‘I’m fine. A little sore, but… I’m fine.’
His heart was immediately put to some kind of ease and he nodded, nuzzling her shoulder gently, ‘That’s good.’
For a moment they lay together in silence, and he kept breathing in deeply, wanting to remember that perfect scent forever, wanting to forever be able to recall the way this moment felt. And he knew this was the perfect time to say it, those three words resting on the tip of his tongue, unbidden and entirely unexpected. But instead…
‘I hope you don’t regret that it was me,’ he tried.
She didn’t react, just remained curled into his side so he took it as a good sign and continued tentatively.
‘You’re really special to me Rachel,’
They weren’t the words that had sprung to his mind minutes before, taking him by surprise, but he meant it just the same. And Rachel seemed to know.
She curled into him tighter, her head coming to rest against his chest where it fitted perfectly. In just that moment, he knew it didn’t matter what was going to happen in the coming weeks and months, because this, the moment they were in, was perfect.
every word you say i think
i should write down
don't want to forget come daylight
Daylight came before he was prepared and he found himself slipping out of her warm embrace with an aching heart.
He dressed quietly, pulling his sweater over his head without a t-shirt underneath because he simply couldn’t bear to wake her (plus he liked having an official brand that laid her down as his). He watched her for a moment, curled intimately in her bed, her face soft and gentle, filled with bliss and happy thoughts while she drifted in slumber. One soft piece of dark hair had fallen across her face and he leant over, tucking it behind her ear tenderly. He knew he had to say goodbye.
He laid his hands on her shoulders and she stirred, her dark eyes flickering open, lighting on him affectionately.
‘I have to go,’ he whispered, ‘My parents might actually begin to miss me.’
Her lips curved into a subconscious pout and she shook her head, ‘Don’t go…’ she pleaded.
It took everything in his power not to slip back into bed and pull her back into his arms. But no… he had something to do.
‘I have to – your dads will be back from Cincinnati in a few hours so you have to get up too. But I’ll be back later, this afternoon, is that okay?’
Rachel’s face lit up and she nodded shyly. He leant down again, cupping the back of her head gently, pressing a loving kiss to the fragrant hair on her head.
He then pulled away from her, pacing to the door. He then froze, remembering the one thing he’d forgotten to say.
He turned back, to find her staring at him expectantly from the bed, ‘I meant what I said last night Rach,’
An elated colour stained her cheeks and she smiled, his heart singing happily. He blew her a kiss and walked from the room.
As he walked down the stairs, out of her house and into the crisp early morning air, he fished his cell phone out of his pocket. He pulled up a number of his team mates, dialling it in a hurry.
‘Fuck Jesse, what the hell is worth calling this early in the morning?’
‘Kate, Tell Ms Corcoran I’m not coming to practice today. Or ever really… the deal’s off. I’m not going to rat out of Rachel Berry anymore.’
‘Are you out of your mind? What about Regionals?’
He shrugged nonchalantly, glancing back up at the house disappearing behind him.
‘Honestly I don’t care. The deal’s off.’
He hung up sharply, before Kate could launch into a list of reasons why this was a bad idea. He didn’t want to know, he wasn’t going to be persuaded otherwise.
He shook his head ruefully, shoving his hands in the pockets of his jacket, keeping his head down as he walked.
He couldn’t believe he’d allowed himself to do that.
He couldn’t believe he’d allowed himself to fall in love with Rachel Berry.
and no need to wonder
what's been on my mind